What Is DARVO? The Manipulation Tactic That Makes You Feel Crazy

You finally worked up the courage to address something that hurt you. You had the conversation. And somehow, thirty minutes later, you're the one apologizing.

If this sounds familiar, you may have experienced DARVO.

What Does DARVO Stand For?

DARVO is an acronym coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd:

D — Deny
A — Attack
RVO — Reverse Victim and Offender

It's a manipulation sequence where the person who did something wrong flips the script until they're the victim and you're the perpetrator.

How DARVO Works in Real Life

Let's say you confront your partner about something they did:

You: "It really hurt when you mocked me in front of your friends last night."

Here's the DARVO response:

1. Deny

"I didn't mock you. I was joking around. You're completely misremembering what happened."

2. Attack

"This is so typical of you. You're always looking for reasons to be upset. You're so sensitive. No wonder my friends think you're difficult."

3. Reverse Victim and Offender

"I can't believe you're attacking me like this. I was having a nice night and now you've ruined it. I'm the one who should be upset. You're always making me feel like a terrible person."

Notice what happened? You walked in hurt. You're walking out apologizing and questioning your own perception.

Why DARVO Is So Effective

DARVO works because it exploits your good qualities:

Your fairness — You're willing to consider that maybe you are being too sensitive
Your empathy — You don't want to hurt them, so when they seem hurt, you back down
Your self-doubt — Especially if you've been conditioned to question yourself already

It also happens fast. By the time you realize what's happening, the conversation has completely derailed.

Signs You're Experiencing DARVO

You bring up a concern and end up defending yourself
You feel confused about who actually did something wrong
You apologize even though you were the one who was hurt
The conversation shifts from their behavior to your "pattern" of being difficult
You leave feeling worse than when you started

How to Respond to DARVO

1. Name It (To Yourself)

You don't have to announce "you're DARVO-ing me!" But internally recognizing the pattern helps you stay grounded. "Ah, there's the deny. There's the attack. Here comes the reversal."

2. Don't Engage With the Attack

When they attack your character or bring up unrelated grievances, don't take the bait.

"I'm not discussing whether I'm too sensitive. I'm telling you that what happened last night hurt me."

3. Stick to Your Original Point

Return to what you actually wanted to address. Don't let them derail you.

"I understand you see it differently. I'm sharing how I experienced it."

4. Know When to Walk Away

Sometimes the healthiest response is ending the conversation. "I can see we're not going to resolve this right now. I'm going to take some space."

The Hard Truth About DARVO

If someone consistently responds to your concerns with DARVO, they're not interested in understanding you. They're interested in winning.

You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who always has to be right and who makes you the villain for having feelings.

Recognizing DARVO is the first step. What you do with that recognition is up to you—but at least now you know you're not crazy.

Need help analyzing a conversation to see what's really happening? Try Reclaim free — we help you spot the patterns and find the words.